Why Childhood Friendships Matter So Much

THE FULL STORY

There’s a line at the end of the movie Stand by Me that goes, “I never had friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?” I’ve thought about that line so many times over the years, but probably not for the reasons you’d think.

It isn’t that I remember the line out of nostalgia. And it isn’t to compare the friendships I formed as an adult. It’s because, in many cases, the statement just isn’t true for me. I’m the (extremely lucky, extremely grateful) rare bird whose friends from the age of 12—and even earlier—are still rock solid in my 40s.

That said, I understand what Stephen King (the writer behind Stand by Me) and the director, the late Rob Reiner, were getting at. Those early friendships are some of the most formative relationships of our lives. The kids you meet when you are one yourself witness many different versions of you—from the one who jumps rope and runs through the sprinkler to the one who’s shopping for prom dresses and making plans for careers and families and life. If you’re lucky like I’ve been lucky, they get to meet the grown-up versions of you too.

This week, I said goodbye to one of those friends.

Karla and I met in kindergarten, but it wasn’t until the third grade that we really gelled. She was my favourite person. She could make me laugh with abandon. She was always game for an adventure—whether it was taking the long way to 7-Eleven for a slurpee or riding our bikes down the forest trail near her house and building a fort until it was time to go home for dinner.

I was a super-intense kid, and Karla brought joy, ease and fun to my life. She was the first person outside of my family who made me feel safe and loved just for being who I was. Who I am now.

Once we got to high school, we belonged to different social groups. You might think that would have been enough to end the friendship, but it wasn’t. We still grabbed each other for hugs in the hallway, chatted on the phone to catch up on each other’s lives and sometimes walked most of the way home together when we realized we were leaving at the same time. She never felt far away, and that’s a testament to the connection we shared.

We came of age in the time of email, so when high school was over, our friendship transitioned there. We were prolific emailers, and again that meant she always felt like she was in the next room. She was also spectacular at gift giving, and every couple of months I’d open my mailbox to find a card or small gift she had sent because it made her think of me. The thread connecting us was always there, always present.

I now have daughters of my own, ages 11 and 14, who are finding their own Karlas (though she was one of a kind) and I can already see the same forever bonds forming. For other parents watching their children find these friends, it can be easy to underestimate just how meaningful those early relationships may become. But research increasingly shows that childhood friendships play a powerful role in shaping emotional wellbeing, resilience and identity in ways that last well into adulthood.

Why childhood friendships matter so much

For kids, friendships aren’t just social—they’re developmental.

Many researchers studying child development have found that close peer relationships impact emotional regulation, empathy and cooperation. Unlike relationships with parents, other important adults and even siblings, friendships operate on a more equal footing. Kids learn how to negotiate disagreements, repair hurt feelings and support each other without the built-in hierarchy of family life.

More recent studies have also linked strong childhood friendships with better mental health outcomes later on. Children who experience supportive friendships tend to report lower levels of loneliness and anxiety as they grow older. Feeling accepted by a peer—someone who chooses you, rather than someone who is related to you—can have a powerful effect on a child’s sense of belonging.

Friendships also help to shape identity. In the company of their friends, kids test out humour, independence, confidence and creativity. Those relationships become the backdrop against which kids begin to understand (and trust!) who they are.

The power of one friend who truly gets you

Parents sometimes worry if their child doesn’t seem to have a wide circle of friends. But research suggests that depth often matters more than numbers.

Having even one close friend can act as a powerful buffer against feelings of isolation. That relationship can help kids navigate everyday challenges like school stress, social conflict or moments of self-doubt.

For many kids, a single friend who truly understands them is enough.

That friend becomes the person who shares experiences, inside jokes and long conversations about nothing and everything. They are the one who sees the real version of you and likes you anyway.

For adults, those friendships often become touchstones. Karla certainly was for me.

Helping kids build meaningful friendships

While friendships ultimately belong to children themselves, parents can help create the conditions that allow those relationships to grow.

1. Create time for connection.
Friendships deepen through shared experiences. Bike rides, sleepovers, playground afternoons and long stretches of unstructured time together help relationships develop naturally.

2. Encourage unstructured play.
Free play gives kids the opportunity to practise cooperation, creativity and conflict resolution. These everyday interactions are often where friendships truly take root.

3. Respect different social styles.
Some kids thrive in large groups while others prefer one or two close companions. Both approaches are healthy. The goal isn’t popularity—it’s meaningful connection.

4. Model lasting friendships.
Children learn about relationships by watching the adults around them. When they see parents maintaining friendships over time, they gain an example of how connection can endure.

The friendships that stay with us

As I stood at Karla’s funeral on Monday and read Psalm 23—one of her favourites—it wasn’t lost on me that I had the privilege of knowing every version of her.

The kid who built forts in the woods, the teenager I hugged in the hallway, the adult who still sent cards that showed up in my mailbox just when I needed them…they were all familiar and beloved.

She won’t know every version of me, but she will always be part of every version of me.

And if there’s one thing I hope for my own kids, it’s that they have friendships like that. The kind that stretch across decades. The kind that hold the earliest versions of you safely.

The kind that, even when someone is gone, they still feel like they’re in the next room.

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