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Bad Moms: Why Some Parenting Rules Are Meant to Be Broken
Click for THE FULL STORY.
THE FULL STORY
Maternal theory scholar (and our “The Thinking Parent columnist!) Tina Powell makes the case for embracing your inner “bad mom” and questioning the impossible rules mothers are expected to follow.
It’s true confession time. In the fall of 2022, when I enrolled in my graduate courses in Gender, Feminist and Women’s Studies, I chose the Maternal Theory course for two main reasons: Firstly, I am a mother of two adult children and thought I knew all there was to know about motherhood. I mean, how difficult could the course be? Secondly, it was being offered online, which meant I could do the course in my pyjamas from the comfort of my own home.
I soon found out, however, that when it came to motherhood studies, I didn’t have a clue. I also discovered that being a so-called “bad mom” is not bad at all. Keep reading for a crash course in what I learned.
The Two Meanings of Motherhood
Adrienne Rich is the author of Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience & Institution. First published in 1976, this book is still viewed by maternal theory scholars as both the first and most significant book ever written on motherhood. I think Rich’s greatest contribution is establishing the two meanings of motherhood. The first meaning centres on the “potential relationship of any woman to her powers of reproduction and to children.” While the second meaning is “the institution, which aims at ensuring that that potential—and all women—shall remain under male control.” In other words, motherhood includes both the relationship we have with our children and the expectations placed on mothers by a patriarchal society. (We all know this, but Rich was able to explain it so perfectly.)
In the working world, the institution of motherhood surfaces when working moms feel pressure to shorten their maternity leaves or to leave their careers entirely. It’s at play when mothers are the ones solely responsible for arranging childcare or for taking days off when their child is ill. On the other hand, the institution shows up when mothers are viewed as less career-focused and as a result, earn less than their male counterparts and are overlooked for job promotions. At home, it’s the reason male partners fail to do their fair share of the parenting duties and why stay-at-home mothers often feel a loss of power and identity.
Rebel With a Cause
Fortunately, Rich also discovered how simple acts of rebellion can empower mothers. One summer, she stayed at a friend’s house in Vermont. Her husband was working abroad for several weeks, so she holidayed alone with her kids. She wrote:
It was a spell of unusually hot, clear weather, and we ate nearly all our meals outdoors, hand-to-mouth; we lived half-naked, stayed up to watch bats and stars and fireflies, read and told stories, slept late … I remember thinking: This is what living with children could be—without school hours, fixed routines, naps, the conflict of being both mother and wife with no room for being, simply, myself.
When I first read this, I thought, “Why can’t mothering be this care-free? Why did I think it was necessary to follow certain rules as a mom? What would happen if I didn’t follow the rules?” Rich answers these questions when she describes a late-night escapade to the drive-in theatre:
Driving home once after midnight from a late drive-in movie, through the foxfire and stillness of a winding Vermont road, with three sleeping children in the back of the car, I felt wide awake, elated; we had broken together all the rules of bedtime, the night rules, rules I myself thought I had to observe in the city or become a ‘bad mother.’ We were conspirators, outlaws from the institution of motherhood: I felt enormously in charge of my life.
Why It’s Good to Be Bad
One of my favourite movies is the 2016 box office hit Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell and Kathryn Hahn. It was billed as a bit of a slapstick comedy, but it actually ended up saying so much more. The film depicts three frenzied moms who rebel against the societal rules imposed upon mothers. When Mila Kunis’s character, Amy, says, “We’re killing ourselves trying to be perfect and it’s making us insane,” Kristen Bell’s character, Kiki, responds, “In this day and age, it’s impossible to be good moms.” Which causes Amy to declare, “Screw it! Let’s be bad moms!”
What exactly is a “bad mom” by today’s standards? It’s basically anyone who does not follow the “good mom” rules—which according to my maternal theory professor, Dr. Andrea O’Reilly, are currently as follows:
1) Children can only be properly cared for by the biological mother;
2) This mothering must be provided 24/7;
3) The mother must always put children’s needs before her own;
4) Mothers must turn to experts for instruction;
5) The mother must be fully satisfied, fulfilled and composed in motherhood;
6) Mothers must lavish excessive amounts of time, energy and money in the rearing of their children;
7) The mother has full responsibility but no societal power from which to mother;
8) Motherwork and childrearing more specifically are regarded as personal and private undertakings with no political import.
Ridiculous? Yes! These rules are unattainable to all mothers—yes, all mothers—let alone mothers who are under-resourced, financially challenged, unhoused, under-educated and racialized. In short, based on these problematic “good mom” rules, we are all “bad moms.”
So if the rules themselves are bad, aren’t we actually being good moms by breaking them? The answer is overwhelmingly yes.
Embrace the Rebel Within
The only reason the “good mom” rules have power is because we follow them (or feel guilty when we don’t). So, be a rebel. Break the rules around mealtime, naptime or bedtime as you see fit. Let your experience and intuition guide you, rather than relying on parenting experts or following the advice of a well-meaning friend. Refuse to go it alone. Enlist and insist on help from your partner, friends, family, childcare services, etc. Put you, your well-being, your career and your happiness first often—not just from time to time. Trust me, you and your kids will be better for it.